3 Ways To Tell You're Successful

What is success, really? Is it being good at your job? Is it making a living doing what you love? Is it having fame, fortune, and being adored by your millions of adoring fans? I don't think there's an actual, solid answer to that question.

Success is by default a very abstract concept, and therefore it can be subjective. As in, different people might define success in vastly different ways. But for me, I've compiled a Top 3 list. If any of these things happen in real life I'll know I've finally made it. (And can give my children ridiculous names without being ridiculed for it)

I'm not saying it's a good decision. I'm saying it's your decision.

People you don't know have a tattoo you inspired. One of the most permanent forms of flattery. It might be your face, or a little symbol, or some song lyrics or whatever. If someone you have never ever met is willing to put up with actual pain and pay actual money to get something permanently inked onto their skin, you'll know you managed to do something pretty darn good.

Look at this child. Just begging to have his mind poisoned.

People are saying you're influencing their children. One day, ultra-conservative parents might even say that I am planting horrible ideas into the minds of young, impressionable children and should have my work banned from schools and public libraries. If this actually happens, it means I would have already been quite established as an author and that means I can begin recruiting my child army I will have had already gained enough influence for parents to fear I'm tainting their sweet children. Yes, cower and worry. Your fear nourishes me.

But if this actually happens it would probably be pretty irritating cause when people are saying you're evil, then you're naturally tempted to prove them right and release the flying monkeys on them.

A researcher looked at this fly and thought that it was bootylicious. Uh...

When you have an animal named after you. Pictured above is Queen Bey next to a horse fly named after her. Scaptia beyonceae. Why? Cause of that golden butt. I don't know how Beyoncé actually feels about this, but at least she'd never have to wonder about her fame ever again. At the same time, entomology students will have to put up with their professors' Bootylicious jokes every time this fly comes up.

So if one day I wake up and the news is reporting how I've had a wasp named after me or One Million Moms is mad at me cause my books are 'a bad influence', I'll know I've made it into the big leagues. And when that happens, I might finally be justified to buy an Iron Throne just to sit on when guests are around. It might be a few years before that happens, but till then, a guy can dream.